Why Now
by fewcherwriter
Summary: After the miscarriage Lena struggles with feelings she's never had.


WHY NOW

**A/N I struggled to not write this because it is a hard topic. Please, if you're sensitive to miscarriage take care reading. This is a Redux. I switched the ending, cleaned it up a lot. I appreciate the reviews. This is a one shot. This is a tense look because so many people have to endure miscarries. I'm unqualified to write this, but anything else dealing with recovering from a miscarriage isn't possible. If anyone wants me to write something else (other than finishing Normal Fosters) I will either do my best or tell you straight, I can't. Thanks. **

Lena wandered into the kitchen. For the second night in a row she found herself pacing floors while the rest of the house was silent.

Dr. Hilcroft didn't want Lena working this week so she lounged in bed with a book or on the deck solving a crossword puzzle. Her body appreciated the rest. Most all bleeding stopped by the time the kids got home from school earlier that afternoon. Stef worked yesterday so she would be with Lena Friday. Dana was going flying back to Seattle tomorrow evening.

Scratching her head, Lena reminded herself to let her mom shampoo her hair in the morning. Hopefully, Dana didn't suggest a salon and instead used the kitchen sink with its sprayer like they'd done since Lena could remember. Lifting the tea kettle, enough water for at least a cup of tea sloshed about so Lena put it back on the burned and pushed in the knob, the stove clicking in protest before lighting. While the water heated, Lena reached for a tea bag and her favorite blue mug. Chamomile tea was supposed to ease anxieties. Nothing would make her happier than a relaxed nervous system. The kettle whistled so Lena added the water letting the tea bag steep while she squeezed in a drop of honey.

Carrying the steaming cup into the living room, Lena switched on the lamp. She didn't want to watch television, but another silent night would deafen her. Finishing the tea and flipping through a magazine she was sure Marianna left laying out, Lena's knee was still bouncing, heart thumping at any strange noise. Sighing, Lena reached for the laptop. Google would quickly prove she was a horrible person on the verge of a psychotic break.

Typing _sex after miscarriage_ Lena quickly scanned the results. She could feel herself blushing as she wracked her brain for more specific search terms. None of the links addressed what she needed. Of course they didn't, she grunted in frustration. At least she now knew it was technically safe as long as the bleeding had stopped. "Libido, that's what I want," Lena smiled quickly typing _libido after miscarriage_. A few links down, she clicked on a post from whattoexpect. _"Why do I want to literally jump my husband and ride him all night long? Fuck, I haven't been like this since I was 17. Sure, I want to be close to him, but I need him to give me an orgasm, maybe twenty, NOW!_" read the post from ttczhard. Lena's hand flew to her mouth and tears sprang to her eyes. Typing simply _ty_, Lena exited the browser and shut the laptop.

Stef stirred, not fully waking Lena crept out of bed earlier. She'd reached for her, but Lena's shushing coupled with exhaustion pushed her back into slumber. Rolling over Stef expected warm, boney Lena, but her arm smacked the cold sheet. Stef looked toward the bathroom overlooking the bedroom door that was halfway open. She got out of bed still not fully awake. The living room lamp guided her downstairs. "Lena," Stef called softly. Before there was an answer, she saw wife, a pile of black hair falling over arms and knees pulled to her chest. "Baby," Stef almost ran to the couch. She wrapped her arms around the sobbing Lena, "sweet love," Stef murmured into soft curls.

Lena heard footsteps, relieved at Stef's familiar voice. Letting her legs drop, Lena curled into Stef's side. The smell and warmth made her cry even harder. Finally, after what felt like an hour Lena started to catch her breath. "I'm sorry," she whispered into Stef's shoulder.

"Sorry?" Stef pulled back from Lena. She tucked some loose curls behind Lena's ear and cupped her chin between her hands. Shaking her head, Stef said, "I love you."

Lena looked into Stef's face. She closed her eyes trying to find words to explain the apology to Stef what she meant. When she was met with the mix of confused compassion fresh tears began again. Covering her face, all Lena could do was shake her head.

"Lena?" Stef asked, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. She kissed the side of Lena's head before shutting her eyes and waiting.

Stef's breath in Lena's ear didn't help the feelings she was trying to ignore. Goosebumps ran down both arms so she pulled away, taking Stef's hand in both of hers. Kissing her wedding band, Lena let the hands fall to her lap. Meeting those eyes she desperately loved, Lena explained, "last night I couldn't sleep. I thought I was imagining things or wanting to feel close to you to replace the loss which is probably true to a point, but tonight it's worse. So I drank that chamomile tea, but it didn't help," she paused taking in a shaky breath. "I Googled it to see if anyone else felt like this," Lena blinked away a tear. "Less than a week ago I lost a baby. I'm not sure I even comprehend that yet. So, why is the orgasm I so so so desperately need you to give me the only thing on my mind," she searched Stef's face for the rejection she knew she deserved.

"Oh, honey," Stef leaned into her wife. "I'm so sorry," she kissed the bare arm.

Lena barely heard Stef. She wanted to be condemned, not met with the infinite concern she saw in her lover's eyes. Resisting the urge to try and engage Stef into an argument, Lena gripped her hand a little harder. "What kind of mother am I?"

"No," Stef moved to the coffee table so she was facing Lena. Intertwining those long, beautiful, brown fingers with her own, Stef made her wife meet her eyes. "You don't get to do this, Lena. If you are mad, OK, we'll be made together. If you're sad, we'll cry together. If you can't sleep, we'll sit awake together. If you are horny, we will be horny together," she offered a slight grin.e. "But, I will not have you blaming yourself, hating yourself because that we can never do together," Stef's voice caught. "You are the mother of a lifetime and the partner of my dreams. I will do anything in this world I can for you, my love but I will not justify that shame," she leaned until her forehead was resting on Lena's.

Lena laced her hands behind Stef's neck, letting her words sink in. Opening her eyes, she was surprised to see Stef's locked on her. Letting herself exhale, she realized she felt a little bit better just giving voice to the embarrassment. Slowly, she sat back. The night was beginning to turn into dawn. Standing, Lena switched off the lamp. "Let's go to bed," she held out her hand for Stef.

Stef shut off the alarm before it could wake Lena. She'd felt like it was the first time ever making love to her wife. Stef had been gentle, listening for familiar gasps or whimpers. It was too tentative, every twitch causing Stef to pause. Lena growled in frustration when Stef stopped for what felt like the tenth time. "Babe, just let me, please" Lena begged letting go of Stef's hand.

Capturing Lena's thin wrists in one hand, Stef shoved her hands to the headboard. Thankfully, Lena got the hint and grabbed onto the bedpost. Rewarding her wife with a kiss, Stef cautiously applied pressure all of Lena's favorite spots. Slipping her hand under the small of Lena's back Stef was about to concede. "Uh," Lena's knee accidently caught Stef off guard as she thrust her hips off the bed forcing Stef to hit the right spot with enough pressure.

"Uggh, oh," Lena bit her lip so the cry wouldn't escape. "No," her knees gripping the slenderf's waist, hands releasing the bedpost, grasping her partner's broad shoulders, holding her in place as Lena desperately ground herself into Stef. Finally, Lena's whole body shuddered falling back to the mattress.

Stef scared she'd caused Lena pain rolled out from between the long legs. "Baby," she asked cautiously. Looking over Stef was speechless. Lena's arm was over her face, her breathing beginning to even out.

"Thank you," Lena managed to choke out, cradling her wife's head to her chest. She smoothed the blonde hair, tracing hearts with her index finger on Stef's naked back. The tears were drying now. If Lena were honest, she'd ask Stef to go one more time. "I love you, Saint Stef," Lena whispered in her exhausted wife's ear.

Despite the terror, Stef was grateful she could at least try and do something to help. The pregnancy and miscarriage left her so very helpless. Groaning when the alarm beeped, Stef pushed herself up. "Shower?" She asked inviting Lena with her. "Lena," Stef turned meeting an expectant look. Letting whatever she couldn't remember fall from her mind, she pulled Lena in for a kiss, "you're beautiful but no more this morning."

The serious tone and look from her wife made Lena laugh. "OK," she giggled, pushing Stef into the warm shower.


End file.
